Session 10: Abstraction

Greetings all.

In some ways, this blog is about me as it follows my personal feelings through the course of my Manadoob classes.  There are subtle (and not so subtle) hints to where my head is that can be seen through the prism of the things that I comment on from the class, the things that grab me and touch me deeply.

So this week's class was somewhat of a blur.  I remember a few moments from it in specific, but for the most part I remember the impression that I got from the class instead of single instances.  I found out that I won a scholarship for a Master's degree from the University of Phoenix through the Boys & Girls Club.  It's a full ride, and in many ways it is the culmination of the last four years of difficulty, trial, and the mental and physical suffering that come from going through what I have gone through, mostly alone.  The one other person who truly has an idea of what the last four years have involved, my mother, was brought to tears by the news.  I dearly wanted to return to college, but my undergraduate student loans and terrible job market were far too much to justify more than doubling them.  Add to that the chemotherapy and the Cancer and I felt like I would never return to one of my greatest loves, education.

After so much hard work just to break even, to survive the disaster that temporarily became my life, this is an unmistakable sign of moving forward, of recovery.  The last time my mother or I felt this intensely positive, it was when we first learned I was in full remission more than two years ago, and even then we felt mostly relief.  It has consumed the two of us these last few days.  I know this will elicit an  outpouring of well wishes and probably some sympathy, and I thank you all in advance for that.  I assure you that isn't why I told you; my story seems triumphant and courageous from the outside; from the inside, it seems decidedly less so and I'm just happy to have survived it relatively intact.  Anyway, as a result of this news, my Manadoob class was intense and went very well, but I find myself struggling to recall too many single events from the last few days, so all I have to give you is my general impressions from how the class went, with this explanation for why I will probably sound so vague as well as writing a relatively short entry.

In Manadoob, we talked about weaknesses and strengths, about pushing on in the face of adversity, about being honest with ourselves about who we are both so that we might acknowledge that which makes us great while working on the things that make us less than great.  There was a feeling, throughout, that these things are neither positive nor negative so much as just a part of what makes us up as people.

We also talked about bullies, and about how any living thing can be bullied and it is our responsibility to stand up for ourselves and to stand up for others, especially when they can't stand up for themselves.  It was somewhat difficult to explain to them what to do if they see someone else (human or animal) being bullied.  I know what I would do, in most instances; given that I am an adult, and a relatively large male, I will and have stepped into such situations before.  I don't see anything wrong with physical intervention in extreme circumstances, but I didn't want to encourage them to do this as they are far too young to make smart choices around such things.  The one moment of the class that I remember because the thought of it was so funny to me came from this discussion.  HJ told me that, if he saw someone bullying someone, he would go up to the bully and tell them how he knew they were unhappy and just bullying others to feel better about themselves.  The though of this very mild-mannered 8-year-old psychoanalyzing a bully to make them quit was absurd to the point of hilarity, but I had to guide them to a more...practical...approach to the problem.  I made sure they knew they had to ultimately make the choice but, as kids, the best option they had was to find an adult and tell them.

It was a good class, surreal and blended together in my mind, but I know my feeling of finally overcoming what has been imposed in my life gave me an interesting perspective, and I think the kids benefited from it as much as I.  I literally found out about the scholarship two hours before the class.  It was fun, and I'm glad I had Manadoob to center me as well as enhance the already strong feeling of positive connection with the world that was flowing through me.

So a lot of this was about me.  I hope it doesn't sound arrogant.  I doubt you all will take it that way, but it's so easy to slip into that I work hard to avoid it.  I didn't see how to explain this class without the surrounding context.

Cheers

Ryan